My arguably fine Aetherian compatriots,

Have you ever seen a full animated demonic tree servant coated in glitter that collects sparkly things? Do you want to?

After years of self-righteous introspection, vitriolic behavior and nefarious misdeeds against the meta population of the world, the Council of Khandava has decided to share one of our less creepy machinations with the world; the woodlings. For a small sum of money, you can invest in time well spent in the company of a sentient, demonic tree spirit. Let's be honest here, we've got them and you don't. There's a little capitalist in the most pompous of tyrants, and we're willing to act like we're being nice to gouge heaps of gold out of your pockets so that we can buy demonic super weapons from Antioch.

Rates and availability may vary, so book your woodling now! Please forward all requests for woodlings through Katalina Dios. All applications will be processed in the order of which sparkles the most when opened. In the sake of full disclosure, some applications will just be ignored. The woodlings, in no particular order, are: Fat, fancy, cross-eyed, fierce, drunk, smelly, love-sick.


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Woodling visits must be chaperoned by a vetted adult. Khandava maintains the right to tell you no, because hey, it's Khandava.


A. Dios...mio? Wait, what?


Penned by my hand on the 11th of Solis, in the year 13 AM.